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NEWS RELEASE · 23rd November 2010
Internet rounder
If you were asked to name the animals political hacks most closely resemble ...
... which one would you choose?

Armadillo: totally wrapped in itself, nearly impossible to needle, and conscious of all the dangers out there. Given away by the sly glint of amused cynicism in the eyes, knowing that only it has taken the proper steps to remain in office.

Lion: roaring dreadfully, it has built up fear and respect from everyone around while permitting his wife to do all the work, the thinking, and the application of its policies. Has successfully marketed itself as trademark, logo, mascot, and money-spinner. Uses campaign speeches written by hyenas.

Gazelle: Graceful and gorgeous, big brown eyes make the gazelle the ideal companion for the upwardly and downwardly mobile politician. Admired by lions, hunted by lionesses, may be found in cosy, warm, well-appointed high-rises. Talks out of giddiness and the need to feel high, reveals secrets to the media but is never to blame.

Elephant: Revered by some, this mighty beast has an impervious skin, ability to attack fiercely, work in lumber camps, carry children on its back, squirt water and dirt at opponents and self, and likes to eat peanuts. For all its strength it is bothered by midges, and while it is very effective as party whip, it is better suited to loading trucks.

Horse: A true friend to humankind since the dawn of history, the horse is now either the king of the track or the stable, both roles unrewarding financially. Needs to feel wanted and useful and no campaign can be run without them. Secretly longs for a return to pulling carts or chariots, but will always put up posters if fed carrots.

Polar Bear: Happy in frozen isolation, this bear has developed survival strategies that are the envy of many. Spends long hours in thoughtful hibernation developing economic theories which it then coaxes into mainstream use, will not be held responsible for their failure elsewhere. This think tank head should never be let near policy. Cannot understand expediency.

Chimpanzee: An essential tool in political science, the chimp cannot comprehend what his descendants, or his fellows, are up to. The average voter, but also a carrier of potentially dangerous plagues. Does what the lion says.

Dogs: Mans best friend who got that way by being accommodating, alert, possessive, jealous, hungry, fierce when needed, and slobberingly ingratiating at all other times. Born salespeople, they are most suited to lobbying, setting the stage, and sniffing out the opposition. Not noted for subtlety, they often become campaign managers.

Cats: The supreme egoist, domesticated cats know what is theirs and that the rest doesn't matter. Will do anything to make their life better and more meaningful, but go to pieces over radical changes. The average middle class voter, can be bought with a bigger saucer of warm milk.

Horse: A true friend to humankind since the dawn of history, the horse is now either the king of the track or the stable, both roles unrewarding financially. Needs to feel wanted and useful and no campaign can be run without them. Secretly longs for a return to pulling carts or chariots, but will always put up posters if fed carrots.

Polar Bear: Happy in frozen isolation, this bear has developed survival strategies that are the envy of many. Spends long hours in thoughtful hibernation developing economic theories which it then coaxes into mainstream use, will not be held responsible for their failure elsewhere. This think tank head should never be let near policy. Cannot understand expediency.

Chimpanzee: An essential tool in political science, the chimp cannot comprehend what his descendants, or his fellows, are up to. The average voter, but also a carrier of potentially dangerous plagues. Does what the lion says.

Dogs: Mans best friend who got that way by being accommodating, alert, possessive, jealous, hungry, fierce when needed, and slobberingly ingratiating at all other times. Born salespeople, they are most suited to lobbying, setting the stage, and sniffing out the opposition. Not noted for subtlety, they often become campaign managers.

Cats: The supreme egoist, domesticated cats know what is theirs and that the rest doesn't matter. Will do anything to make their life better and more meaningful, but go to pieces over radical changes. The average middle class voter, can be bought with a bigger saucer of warm milk.