THE RCMP DESK SERGEANT AND THE TERRACE POLITICAL JOKE
The RCMP Desk Sergeant clutched his stomach in unrestrained mirth as he laughed helplessly.
“What's so funny?” asked the corporal.
“I just got off the phone with the desk sergeant up in Terrace,” he answered. “That guy is a barrel of laughs, I gotta tell you. He's always making up jokes. He told me one about some college teacher up there named Tugwood who walks past Mayor Pernarowski's house every day because it's on his way to the college. The mayor is the local nut case. His dogs are loose half the time and they attack everybody- including Tugwood.”
“That's not that funny so far, sergeant,” the corporal braved- the sergeant not usually given to accepting criticism kindly.
“No, no it is funny! This one time the guy lost it and yelled at the dogs. Next thing you know the mayor goes nuts. He goes to the college personnel department and tries to get Tugwood fired! Haaaa! haaa!” the sergeant couldn't help bursting out anew. “Tugwood's union rep and the college personnel guy were called out and the whole nine yards. That didn't work because Tugwood has been working there for over twenty years and they know him pretty well. The mayor yelled and screamed for fifteen minutes before they got him calmed down enough to go away.”
It was apparent from the corporal's expression that he still couldn't really see what was so funny, but the sergeant continued undaunted.
“So that didn't work, see? It was pretty obvious to all the college guys the mayor is nuts.”
“I still don't get the joke,” the corporal said.
“That's a pretty big detachment up there” the sergeant continued. “Forty- five members and fifteen civilians. Mayor Pernarowski phoned our head man up there, Inspector Hart, and told him to get his personal ass in gear and go after the prof. himself!”
“I think I see it coming,” the corporal brightened. “The Inspector dropped everything and personally put the fear of the force on the prof for yelling at the Mayor's dogs! Right!”
“Right!” enthused the sergeant.
There followed a couple of minutes of quiet paper work with occasional chuckles issuing alternately from the two, when the sergeant suddenly wondered aloud’
“You know, I wonder if this might not be a joke.
That Inspector Dana's main claim to fame is being a bodyguard for political big shots.
You don't suppose he actually takes orders from the crazy mayor? Naw! Couldn't be.” THE RCMP DESK SERGEANT ADMIRES THE 'NONCOMPLIANCE PLOY'
“How's it going with that case up in Terrace where the members beat that guy up and sent him to hospital?” asked the corporal.
“It looks like it's going to be no problem. Some New Westminster cops went up for a couple of days and swept it under the rug. They said they won't be making a report for a few months,” the sergeant added.
“Jeez. They must be slow typers”, laughed the corporal. “Any hints how the report will look?”
“Well it won't be anything for us to worry about, I can tell you that already,” the sergeant said confidently.
“How so?” asked the Corporal.
“Well, the investigators from the New Westminster force said almost immediately in a press release that we had to beat the guy up because he was noncompliant,” the sergeant said. “And then too, by delaying the report, some witnesses will lose their memory of details, or move away.”
“I like that 'noncompliant' explanation. It's really works well for us, time after time,” observed the corporal. “How do the investigators know he was noncompliant?” he asked as an afterthought.
“Because we said he was, of course,” the sergeant said.
“Ha!” the corporal said in approval of the process so far. “But what if the guy comes out of the coma and has a different story or a good explanation?” wondered the corporal aloud.
“Like what for instance?” challenged the sergeant.
“Well”, answered the corporal, counting the points off on his fingers, “What if he says he wasn't 'noncompliant' enough to deserve a beating? Or that maybe we shouldn't have dragged him back and forth from his cell to the Terrace hospital all night, or that maybe we should have told his wife there was a problem before she came by to take him home and found out instead he was in a coma in Vancouver?”
“Maybe you think we should have offered her a seat on the plane or found her a place to stay down there?” sneered the sergeant.
“Whoa, whoa,” soothed the corporal. “I'm just saying. What if all that gets said?”
“Don't worry about it. The investigators have already committed and they can't go back on it now,” the sergeant said as he began to count his own points off on his fingers. “Why they picked him up in the first place is irrelevant. Maybe he was driving drunk and maybe not. Let's say not- the Terrace hospital must have done a blood alcohol test before they botched his treatment but nobody's saying anything about that aspect. Either way, the whole point now is the noncompliance ploy. The investigators clearly implied he wasn't just a bit noncompliant, but that he went stark raving berserk. Now they're going to have to defend their position so they don't get in trouble themselves. They're not going to be looking for anything on behalf of the guy we beat up. The guy that got beat up is toast, if he ever recovers enough to object,” the sergeant finished with admiration in his tone for the way the whole thing was handled- “and at this point all he can do is move his eyes. Our spin guys could write plots for Mission Impossible, eh?”
Hearing no response, the sergeant glanced up to see that he had totally lost the corporal with this reasoning, so he continued patiently:
“Look, did the investigators recommend charges against any members even though they practically killed the guy? ‘No’,” he answered his own question. “So the investigators are obviously going to have to take the line that the guy must have gone berserk. It's the only even half way good enough excuse for our members to stay in the clear. Did the investigators say anybody should be suspended? No. Did they even say anybody should be confined to desk duty? No. So now they can't turn around and say they looked into it and then deliberately left any vicious bastards on duty. Forget about it! The poor sap lipped somebody off and we beat him to a goddam pulp, dragged him all over the province and hospitalized him four times. End of story.”
“Pretty neat,” intoned the corporal. “All the same, I don't think I'd like to get posted up there anywhere in that whole area.”
“Just be glad you're not an unarmed civilian anywhere in that whole area”, the sergeant answered. “If your neighbours want you to get beaten up they just call 911.”THE RCMP DESK SERGEANT DISCUSSES PSYCHERGY IN POLICING
“Ya, bye”, said the RCMP Sergeant pensively as he hung the phone up.
“What's up with your Prince Rupert friend?” asked the corporal.
“He says they had to invite the Delta Police to investigate an injury to a civilian up there. Delta are the pricks who tried to give Monty the Mountie Menace such a hard time for his second killing.”
“Oh-oh,” responded the corporal. “Well what happened up in Rupert?”
“Some 15 year old girl yelled at her mother that she was going to kill herself if she had to keep living under the same roof, and somebody called 911. When we got there, the women said it was just a normal argument and the girl was just being dramatic and they didn't need us.”
''Sounds like my wife and daughter sometimes,” chuckled the corporal. “I hope they tried to use psychergy.”
“Psychergy?” asked the Sergeant?
“Ya, like shrinkergy, you know? Talk them down off the ledge stuff.”
“I know what the words mean,” the sergeant said somewhat testily, “but remember this: we're called a police force, not a ‘police debating team,' . And don't talk about psychergy to the Rupert members,” continued the sergeant. “They're not having any of it. They decided to arrest the girl for her own good
and she didn't want to be arrested, so they broke her arm.”
“Bummer”, said the corporal, abashed and subdued.
“Double bummer,” corrected the sergeant. “They broke it in two places.” MORE HUMOUR HERE